Saying “I Love You”

What can I do, right now, in this extremely contemplative moment (besides still be drinking coffee at noon)!?

WRITE…ok, cool, I know a place 😉

 

 

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My, Today Love Showed Up journal

 

Five days in to year 37, on one of the MOST heavy/light weeks of the year and lessons are already  pouring in…it was bound to happen, right!?

I started the week, and this journal, on Monday, my birthday and was SUPER excited to do it. Not only was my BIG goal for the year to recognize and appreciate love in all of it’s forms BUT one of my daily goals was to make sure I say “I Love You” and I was READY. Ready to feel it and to say and I thought it was going to be easy…I was wrong.

Monday was incredible…I literally floated ALL day, basking in the reciprocal flow of LOVE as so many reached out to celebrate my life and remind me why it matters. That day, it was very easy to start my journal and fill the page with all the ways love showed up.

Tuesday was easy too. It was World Suicide Prevention Day, a day that has come to mean a great deal to me and though has the potential to be crippling, through my incredible community of fellow light chasers and hope seekers, I was able to find love around every corner I turned.

Wednesday met me with a moody scene and brick wall. Being a part of the mental health community often means that good news/unpleasant news travel in the same caravan, even though we hope, wish and fight for it not to be true. The heavy news of another death by suicide was all I could read. I did not know the person but in this community, the impact is no less because of that fact and I am grateful I can FEEL right alongside my tribe on this…That day, I did not trip and fall over love…I had to read the words of my friends and let the love I have for them and the love they have for their friends well up in me and move me. I also had to get out of the space I do my best thinking in (home) and search for signs of love showing up, outside and off the internet. It worked, if only for a few hours…I sat and watched friends interact with each other, a husband playing for the crowd but singing directly to his wife, a tiny dog wanting nothing more than to sit in the lap of her person and even a few hugs from people who recognized me. I was able to write by the end of that night and I was grateful!

 

Thursday, in spite of my best efforts, felt like what I imagine climbing a very high mountain would be…the kind of feeling where you can’t take a full inhale because the oxygen just isn’t there. I started the day off in gratitude and with prayer but could not find that feeling I was looking for…Worry was heavy on my mind. The more familiar or (in tune) I get, the more I feel and most of the time that isn’t a bad thing but on days when I can’t get my own head above the water, I know I am going to re-learn how to tread that water. In my efforts, I found a few smiles, a few laughs and a few hugs, all which had the warmth of love but it didn’t feel real enough to put in the journal. I felt utterly spent, at day 4…what the hell am I going to do with this journal now?

 

Friday. As guilt ridden as I get with taking a day off (especially, when a trip isn’t involved), I knew I needed it today. When I am not asleep, I am thinking…and thinking…and thinking. It’s so hard for me to wrap my head around such a, seemingly, easy thing to do BEING so difficult sometimes. I met my daily goal of saying “I Love You”  BUT my quest to witness how it shows up is DIRECTLY connected to where my head/heartspace is. If I am feeling disconnected, things like friendship/kinship/love feel very far away. I can’t feel/see what I am not open to. How in this world can a lover like me, continuously shut herself out/down!?

 

This is my headspace, even as I type now…and I don’t have an answer but the reminder that I don’t have to is refreshing. There will be days when non of us get it right (or wrong) and there are days when there isn’t a right/wrong…there is just, IS. I am known for saying “I am here for it all” because I know that even in the “???” moments, there is room to grow and I AM here for it.

Showing up is what it is all about…

 

We’ll get outside for sunsets, for exercise, for hobbies, and friends. We’ll come back inside to rest, because we’ve learned we need to rest.

We’ll keep showing up. We’ll keep checking in. We’ll keep saying, “I love you.” We’ll keep being honest. We’ll keep asking questions. We’ll keep listening. We’ll keep learning. We’ll keep seeing people. We’ll keep reminding people they are priceless. We’ll keep reminding people that life is worth living.

We’ll believe the air in our lungs might also be a gift. We’ll live as long as we possibly can, finding and sharing every good thing. We’ll be surprised along the way, by love and joy and wonder, by people, and by things that feel true.

We’ll make today better.

You make today better.

 

My friend (and one of my all time favorite, vulnerable voices and hope chasers), Jamie Tworkowski knows all about those headspace moments and somehow found the words I needed.

Check the full blog out here…

https://twloha.com/blog/well-keep-showing-up/

 

 

Let’s promise to keep saying “I Love You” and to keep showing up for each other AND ourselves!!

 

<3<3<3

 

Edge of Thirty-Seven

Depending on when you are reading this, I am either on the edge of 37 or, in fact, 37 years old.

Blogs aren’t the place for writing books so I can’t fully describe here, all that 36 was filled with, however, I can tell you that everything it brought me put me in a very reflective headspace earlier in the week and has led to what you are about to read.

I typically leave brainstorming and goal setting in the pages of long forgotten (or possibly even tossed) journals BUT in 2018 I wrote down a few things that come the end of the year, did in one form or another become things that happened. It was mind blowing.

So, when I found myself in that same state, I went with it. What it ended up looking like is 5 BIG goals for year 37, then the same with daily/weekly/monthly ideas and I am going to share them with you!!

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I thought I’d start with a very transparent photo of me, today, on a hike with my Dad.

 

The BIG 5

 

  1. See LOVE in ALL it’s forms and ALL it’s magic~ If you’ve been following along, this year I opened myself up to romantic love (after a 10 year hiatus) and while I am still very open to it and very HOPEFUL, I have realized that post such a long hiatus, I get singular focus…which isn’t a good thing. In it, I stop listening to the people that already love, accept and champion me and I try to prove my worth to a stranger. Everyday, I am surrounded with love…a wonderful family, amazing friends, the best clientele I could ask for, and nature (a love letter itself). When I feel alone, love isn’t far away, if I am paying attention and leaning in to ALL aspects of it, it will show off in ways I can’t even imagine. THAT’s what I want in year 37…525,600min of measuring my life in LOVE ❤ ❤ ❤
  2. Submitting my writing, Fiction or Non Fiction to a publisher~ I have been writing for years. For most of my adulthood, I have kept journals and participated in writing projects, and as of the past 6 years, I have been blogging a good bit. When I am not doing that, I am writing letters to pen pals, and in this past year and a half, I’ve even written some slam poetry. NOTHING but the blogs has ever been made available for public consumption and it’s time for that statement to be false. For 3 years I have had access to the local writing community and in it are some of the best resources I could have at my side and they are very eager to help me get where I want to be. I guess I just had to be sure that I wanted to be there. I DO want to be there, in one form or the other. I have started a book that is meant to be part of a 4 book series but if I am honest, I haven’t touched it in months. I have, however written about a dozen poems. It isn’t enough for a book yet but it feels like something that might happen faster than the book series. We WILL see!! The best news is that I finally have more characters and stories running around in my head than the original one, SO, hopefully, there will be plenty to work on in year 37!
  3. Developing my photography craft and building a portfolio~ FACT, I have gone to school for photography and have the student debt to prove it. I was excited about it at first and then, though I couldn’t recognize it at the time, crippling anxiety had me all but hanging up my camera. It’s taken most of the decade since school to be comfortable with the feel of it in my hand again and to like what I see on the computer afterward. It’s still got a long way to go to look like what I want it to BUT I am excited about it again and that is HUGE! I am ready to do what I need to do to get it where I want it to be AND I am ready to start sharing it HERE! In year 37, MORE original work will fill this space!
  4. Thrifting OR making my own clothing ONLY~At first read, this might seem like a difficult task BUT thanks to thriftastic friends, I have been able to unintentionally thrift for the past 6 months and though it takes some digging some days, I do find pieces that work for me. It’s a good feeling to be more mindful even with something as simple as shopping for clothes. Sewing has interested since my grandmother bought me a Kennmore machine when I was 13…but like SO many other things in my teenage years, I didn’t practice, didn’t cultivate it and am honestly still a newbie at it. Making my own clothes could be a massive undertaking but the sewing machine in my closet floor is BEGGING me to brush the dust off it or set it free…I am not quite ready to set it free, so, it looks like, for better or worse, year 37 will have me finally putting something in the Handcrafted room of this lovely little space 🙂
  5. Reaching Onederland and maintain it~ I may not have made a post about it here but the progress with my health this year has been documented on my Instagram (@onwanderwoodlane) since I finally took control of it. After what feels like a lifetime, I found something that worked for me at a time when I am the kindest to myself and it has made all the difference. I have shed almost 40lbs in year 36 and have reached a place where I feel as good about the external progress as I do the internal progress (because it will forever be progress, never a completion). I still have some major goals for year 37, because even though I am completely capable of doing whatever I want to do, I WANT to do it from the healthiest place I can. I am not obsessing on a number, mind you, I am just giving myself a SUPER FUN place to throw a major victory party when it happens…and it WILL happen THIS year!

 

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A NOTE on REALLY LOVING by Tyler Knott Gregson

On the Daily

 

  1. Gratitude~ Feeling and appreciating what is working in your life will change the way you greet the day and I want that feeling, everyday.
  2. Pray/Meditate~ Reaching out to The Creator from a quieter mind allows you to FEEL the request leave and makes it way to where it’s going and I want that feeling, everyday.
  3. Dance~ For me, there is nothing like moving to music, nothing and I want that feeling, everyday.
  4. Smile/Make Someone Smile~ This is a new observation that I have been practicing, mostly because I have “resting bitch face” and I really like the way my face feels when it’s smiling…like I don’t have to hide anymore…like I don’t want to hide anymore and I want that feeling, everyday.
  5. Say ‘I Love You’ ~ This typically isn’t hard for me but I want to make myself even MORE capable of expressing my feelings because I will NOT be afraid/nor hide them anymore. When you love from a healthy place, there is no cap to it and it can fill you up beyond your comprehension and I want that feeling everyday!

 

 

Sometime this Week

 

  1. Hike~ I have a kinship with nature and nothing makes me feel more ALIVE than being on the trail. I will be chasing that in year 37!
  2. Practice Reiki~ Energy healing has been calling me for years. I leaned into it fully as of a few months ago and am ready to share it!
  3. An Act of Self Love~ Like SO many others, I am very bad at giving my time, to myself and for myself. That’s changing too! 37 is all about honoring ME!
  4. Write a piece on Mental Health~ To date, my piece on World Suicide Prevention Day has been the most viewed post I have ever written. I have SO much to say about that topic and if that many people are listening, I MUST talk about it MORE!
  5. Talk to Family/Friends~ I was warned that the older you get, the faster time goes by and for the longest time, I didn’t believe it…I do now…before we all realize it, another month has gone by. I am SO guilty of preferring to see people in person BUT that isn’t always something that works and communication, though not always perfect, has never been easier. If I want to feel connected, I need to connect…it’s that simple!

 

 

Monthly

 

  1. Try Something New~ It’s no secret here that I enjoy what I learn anytime I am required to stretch/grow. However, I would prefer that it didn’t always come after a hard lesson. I want to challenge myself in new and creative ways each month to continue that trend in a gentler way.
  2. Read a book~ Folks!!!! One of the rooms on Wanderwood Lane IS FOR BOOKS and I have read a grand total of 4 this year…SAD…especially considering ALL the books in the TBR. I am committing to this even if it means giving up binging a show!
  3. Write Letters~ I have always enjoyed pen to paper but I get more than a few pages in to a letter these day and my hand starts to ache. I want to work those aches out and continue to improve my penmanship, because, it’s a gift!
  4. Get a new plant~ Over the past 6 months, I have aquired 5 plants and they make such a big difference to the energy in my home, I want to include more as each month passes and see just what kind of magic can live here!
  5. Help Someone Else~ If I took a microscope to my adulthood, it would show someone, somewhere by my side, holding me up. Where I am now is direct reflection of the people who have helped me along the way. I want to pay that forward in as many ways as I can, big or small!

 

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Notebooks were on sale at A.C. Moore today SO I snagged one for regular journaling, one is for literally writing LOVE and the other is a sketch book (my something new for September)

When I started this post, I had NO idea it would take almost 2,000 words BUT I couldn’t be more thankful that it has. Writing needs to become second nature if I want to be published, as do 2,000 word nights!

It’s been SO much fun to share this with you all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart of caring about this little space enough to keep coming back to it! You all matter VERY much to me and I am so grateful for my readers ❤

 

NOW, 37…

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Bring me that horizon!

Feeling Life and Living Love

It’s time for my yearly fundraising campaign!! Although, I wish I felt the enthusiasm of the exclamation points right now.

I didn’t have one until two years ago, when I made a commitment to being more involved with the charity I support the most

To Write Love on Her Arms

The first year was very successful for me. I felt led to share part of my story in Facebook Live updates and it was so well received. I still remember every conversation that was brought to me via that vulnerability.

Last year didn’t see as much money raised and that bummed me out in a major way but I stuck with it and am so grateful for the people who donated.

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When this year’s campaign was launched, I set up a donation page on team Heart Camp without even hesitating. Then, a heaviness beyond words fell over me and I have been sitting on an empty donation page for almost two weeks… shared only once, the day I made it.

I have had to check in with my heart multiple times since committing to fund raise and will fully admit that I asked it questions that I was surprised by.

It’s SO easy to pride myself in being a LOVER, too easy. I genuinely think about the people I care about ALL the time and let I Care and I Love You flow very freely from my lips. But what about the people I don’t know yet? Do I REALLY care? Can I say “I love you” even though I don’t “know” them? Do I really feel like they make today better? DO I make today better?

Heavy, right!? I don’t even know what will flow out of my fingers as I type the rest of this but here goes…

 

*****

 

The sidelines are an easy place to be. From there you can witness the action without being a part of it and you can get up and leave if you don’t like what you are seeing. The sidelines are THE easy place to be.

Statistics are designed to provide valuable information to the masses and, hopefully, inspire change (if needed). What happens when the masses become desensitized or just plain overwhelmed by the numbers? Nothing happens…nothing…

I could put the World’s suicide statistics here, in black and white, but they are already on the donation page that I will share at the end of this post, so, here, I am going to get a bit personal…

Suicide. We all know what it means by now but have we all felt the weight of the word? I have seen it used, abused, shamed and offered as an option so many times, it physically makes me ill.

I have sat in a room full of, mostly, smiling faces and heard the quivering but BRAVE voices of people who couldn’t see themselves facing the next day. I’ve never been more sobered in my life. You want to turn around, hug them and beg them to STAY (and maybe you do) but you don’t even know the half of what they are going through. What happens when you aren’t in the same room anymore? What happens when they go home? What happens when you go home?

This is WHY I support TWLOHA and why, as small and insignificant as I can feel sometimes, I WANT THEM TO STAY…I WANT YOU TO STAY…I WANT TO STAY…

I want to offer HOPE and to know that people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts have access to the CARE that they need, to the community they need and to the LIFE that needs them. These resources need funding so that the message can grow.

 

World Suicide Prevention Month is here. The word World can be pretty intimidating and I have been intimidated more than once BUT I have also seen (and met) lives saved by the messages that TWLOHA brands by and by the resources it points to.

Each one of us can make a difference, we just have to get off the sidelines first. It’s uncomfortable and messy sometimes BUT in the action we are feeling this life while we are living it…and isn’t that the point?

 

You Make Today Better

I Make Today Better

We Make Today Better

 

…and I can’t wait until tomorrow 🙂

 

 

https://give.twloha.com/fundraiser/2230068

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bring Me to Life

I was at a semi-local convention recently and was going to sing the above mentioned song…but I didn’t have to because someone else did…ok, I was singing too, from the crowd.

I had to sing to ease the urge to cry…not tears of a negative emotion mind you, tears of being completely seen and loved, exactly as I am.

 

Now, you may be thinking to yourselves, “doesn’t that happen all the time in life?” but I challenge you to really think about the people in your life that do see you and love you for exactly who you are…If that is everyone around you then I rejoice with you…but for me, that’s come on a little more the long way around, and if I am honest, completely honest, it still isn’t there in all areas…and maybe I’m just paranoid but it doesn’t “feel” like it anyways…

 

BUT

 

This is a post about a group of people I KNOW, without a doubt, see me, love me and inspire me, exactly as I am.

 

Four years ago, my friend Giovanna and I, fresh off a year and some change of starting a geek related blog, set our sites on something a little closer to home and attended our first ConCarolinas

We met SO many people that year that I will never forget it! In addition to Gio, I have people continuously in my life because of that event.

 

 

It wasn’t even something I noticed at first. Sure, you have the new Facebook friendships and occasional meet ups (I say occasional because I can be absolute shit at showing up sometimes)…but, a little over a month ago, it came in like the biggest, most beautiful Care Bear stare imaginable.

Contrary to every other year I’ve attended ConCarolinas, this year, I attended as a fan only…in truth, I didn’t even know if I was going to show up, much less as press and/or a guest. I didn’t even know that I knew what imposter syndrome was until I realized that my entire creative life was riddled with it. I was spent, creatively…an absolute disaster…but then I thought of all the people I would miss seeing if I didn’t go. So I went.

 

I don’t know if you know what it feels like to feel “home” at a place that isn’t where you lay your head at night but that’s what this convention has become to me.  I don’t wander around, aimlessly looking for the place I fit…I float toward every single person that lights me up…and thankfully, it’s a good many people now…starting with Gio…

 

WeGeekGirls has been the single best thing for this side of my life in a decade. The friendship that started it has been founded, grown, stretched and strengthened through years of continuing to try and create an authentic and supportive life for ourselves. That has not been easy BUT has born MUCH fruit.

 

I didn’t have a goal at ConCarolinas this year…I just knew I wanted to see the people who have become like home to me…and that may seem like a small thing but let me tell you that it isn’t. Within this group of people are the ones who see in me what I can’t (or just won’t) see in myself, the people who push me because they KNOW there is greatness in there somewhere and people who don’t except my wallflower behavior because they know that I am more.

For the past 4 years, even in this group, I considered myself an outsider, praying for the day that the door opened for me and I sat at the table with the cool kids…this past weekend, at a entirely different convention, I found out loud and clear that there has always been a seat for me there, I just needed to sit in it.

 

Con Fam, you have NO idea how much you all mean to me and how much it means to be a part of your (our) family…to know that no matter how I show up, the place is already set and I am welcome.

It SETS ME FREE and I love you for it.

This isn’t everyone but this is what I have from ConCarolinas 2019

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To: Gio, A.W, Jessica, Joey, Matt, Wanda, Gail, Larry, Theresa, Darin, John Hartness, the Boris sisters, Traci, Nicole, Ben, Nicole, Jim, Nancy, Sherman, Darryl, Matthew, Jim, Erin, Carol, Tiffany, Jason, Melissa, Drija, Levon, Misty, Todd, Patrick, Carrie, Christine, Bill, John Hairston Jr., Herc, Bernie, Marshall…to anyone I may have missed, I believe you already know who you are ❤

Thank YOU for seeing me, accepting me, loving me, inspiring me and reminding me who I am when I forget. I value each and every one of you and know that whatever success my creative endeavors have, you are a part of it.

I love you all!

 

The Wonderful Thing about Lizzie

If you follow me on Instagram (@onwanderwoodlane) you will already know the subject of the post because I @ her A LOT!!!

 

We became friends YEARS ago via our various, mutual fandoms and haven’t looked back since! I admire so much about her and her story that I had to pop on here and introduce her. She’s my fellow 80’s lover, part of my Girl Power Gang, the one tied with me for Chris Evan’s affection, and the Jerrica to my Kimber…SHE’S LIZZIE

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@thewonderfulthingaboutlizzie photo by me

 

Several months ago Lizzie left the grind of the 9-5 work day and went back to one of her first loves, fashion…only this time she took everything she learned about it, got real about it, turned it on it’s side and started her own, pretty spectacular, web based store

The Thrifty Duckling

 

You can read all about Lizzie’s passion for fashion by checking out the website and/or following it @thethriftyduckling

 

I just received my 4 (or was it 5th) purchase from the shop and honestly adore supplying my closet this way!

For years I have had kind of a mundane wardrobe…not to say I didn’t like my clothing, it just wasn’t anything that truly gave me joy. Shopping has always been a bit of a chore for me. Knowing that I wouldn’t ever be head over heels for something made spending a lot of money on it a source of anxiety for me.

Lizzie (and a few other friends like her) helped me start to look at shopping differently and earlier this year, I began to look into thrift and second hand shops more than larger stores. I can now tell you that 75% of my wardrobe is second hand and most of what I wear daily is also.

Anxiety is a strange thing and I never knew brand new clothes gave it to me until I started shopping off of a different kind of rack. I began to find gently worn, really nice clothing that spoke to me, that helped me breathe again and I liked it!

The Thrifty Duckling has only added to my joy as Lizzie is someone I trust. From the moment the first purchase arrived, I knew that I was in good hands with her at the helm. Not only does she find unique fandom pieces, she finds various shapes and sizes and has a great sense of how something will fit! I have been able to wear everything I have ordered and she lives hundreds of miles away from me. It gives me such a sense of relief to order from her that I generally do it every time I get a shipment.

Here’s a look at my haul so far…

 

 

 

Thanks to another lesson learned while on this thrifting adventure, I make myself set aside a donation item every time I bring something home. What I am finding is that there can be joy in the giving and in the receiving.

For so long it felt a little weird to think about someone owning something before me but looking around my predominately secondhand hobbit hole (which brings me nothing but joy), I have realized, the things that bring us joy are the only things we should have around us, and thankfully that now includes most of my wardrobe!

SO, thanks for making me a #thriftyduckling Lizzie! Browsing your shop is one of the joys of my life!

 

 

And three cheers for my latest shipment…the rescue that prompted this post!!!

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Add some joy to your life and wardrobe…Shop Thrift!!!

All That I Want

I had about 350 words written and then decided to chuck them…

There is something I wanted to say but when I read it back to myself, it felt best left for a journal entry…so here’s this instead.

 

A few weeks ago, I talked about crushes. They have held the largest place in my romantic life because I’ve been historically bad (for lack of a better word) at it. In truth there are a few reasons why I’ve, more years than not, chosen singlehood.

The years of therapy I have been through are not a secret and with them came a lot of healing…healing that needed to happen to make me the kind of whole that can care and be cared for. It hasn’t been easy but has been necessary.

 

Dreaming is something I have done all my life. Through therapy I have learned that my dreams are representations of things that I am continuing to heal from and let go of.

Last night I dreamt of an old flame, one who returns to me often, and in that dream I was uneasy because NEW was on the horizon and I didn’t want to mess it up. When I woke up, I realized I didn’t need to dream about the old flame anymore and somewhere deep down, I knew I wouldn’t.

One of my goals for this year was to simply feel worthy enough to say “yes” to a date and I have done that, which I am SO proud of…even in the silence and uncertainty that sometimes follows.

 

We’ve been conditioned to believe that when something doesn’t go the way we thought we wanted (especially in love), it is failure…but what if it’s so much more!?

For the past 5 years, I have been fighting really hard for myself, though all too often TOO hard on myself…There are SO many areas where I am bold/confident and unshakable…but not in love…

However, ALSO, in past 5 years, I have become increasingly fascinated by uniqueness, mine in particular. It’s something I have, almost, come to see as a badge of honor.

Imagine my surprise to just discover, recently, that, that uniqueness will without a doubt translate into dating. Why I thought every area in my life had it’s own drum beat but love, seriously, blows my mind…I am audibly laughing right now…the guilt I have put myself through for feeling like I need “idiot’s guide to dating” could form a mountain.

Saying “yes” to a date started a GIANT mental/emotional domino affect that is just now making sense but was ABSOLUTELY necessary AND I am oh SO grateful for it.

I am not “bad” at dating, I am just “ME” at dating…and it’s looked like a desert waste land for so long, because, friends, I was on journey…a journey I required…and now a journey that’s ready for an oasis or two 😉

And guess what, it can look as unique as it wants to because I wasn’t meant for a societal love story…and as of right now, I no longer expect it 🙂

 

 

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A Cup of Cheer

As amazing as my post yesterday made me feel about my writing frequency, I kept the blog tab open and was hit with a little guilt that there isn’t enough balance flowing through this space.

40846561193_b14c1510ce_kI remember feeling so cleaver when I came up with the title of the tab that would house my tea drinking obsession and I set out on a rather ambitious goal of regularly posting about the tea I drink.

Nowhere in my mind did I think that would be a problem because I really do drink it all the time…and I did…

 

Last year, at the end of the summer, I visited some friends in Chicago and they introduced me to David’s Tea. I was instantly hooked and have been very blessed that those same friends have kept me well supplied in the months that followed.

In fact, it’s about the only tea I drank for the months of December-Feb and I kept track of all of it…I saved tea bags, tried my best to give honest feedback…it was great, until it wasn’t.

My goal is to drink and enjoy tea, not critique it. So, when I sat down to start planning blog posts about it, nothing interested me about posting my reviews…and ultimately, not only did I stop taking notes about my experiences, the drinking of it slowed also…

And then May happened…

Drinking a good cup of tea is part of who I am, part of my self care and I gradually forgot that along the way.

Maybe it was the pressure to track every sip that crossed my lips or maybe guilt that I spent so much time with one brand but whatever the reason, I shut the door on this room and I am here to bring it back to life.

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The above photo was taken at a dear friends house. It’s an herbal blend from, you guessed it, David’s Tea. In my search for the literal dozens of tea sachet wrappers to share, I found this and thought to myself, this is what I want to share instead.

A cup of tea is comforting and soothing to me…like a friend or a good hug. Sharing tea with people amplifies that experience for me and I think, ultimately, that’s what I wanted to do here…share a cup a tea, with a friend…

So, welcome again to this corner of Wanderwood Lane.

That being said, as much as I enjoy big brands like David’s Tea, Tiesta, Yogi, etc., I’d like to focus on smaller brands, perhaps home blenders, that would potentially benefit from the exposure. If you have a small tea company in mind you think that I should try, please leave a comment!

 

 

***For those curious, David’s Tea remains one of my favorite brands of tea. I think I tried over 25 blends since discovering them and there isn’t a single one that I couldn’t finish. By all means, Check them out!!!***

 

 

I’ve got a crush on you

Almost 2 months away seems really bizarre…

The truth is I have been writing. I’ve written letters to pen pals, two poems, a chapter in my book and LOTS of letters that I’ll never send. The lesson I learn time and time again is that I process exactly how I need to, in my own time and in my own way…and I am kinda diggin’ that right about now!

 

I am excited about today’s post because I have promised to be apart of this for months and haven’t followed through, yet. My friend Ashton has a great website called Eight Hundred Words and I found their writing prompt today the perfect opportunity to participate.

 

The Prompt: Tell the story of a crush you never actually spoke to (or did and it ruined the crush).

Now, my romantic life may only be a comedy to me but this is a chance that I can’t pass up…so, here goes.

It was evident from the beginning that I would be unable to pinpoint just one encounter because, well, I kinda do the same thing, EVERY, SINGLE, TIME.

For a decade I’ve been telling myself “I want to be a writer”, while the millions of sheets of paper left in my wake scream “what, exactly, would you call this?”.

As silly as it might sound, more than half of those sheets of paper have served to witness me, pouring my heart and soul out. Writing with pen on paper, even though my handwriting is plain awful most of the time, helps me process and I hand write often, to this day.

**

I’ll start with a story over a decade ago.

I was helping a friend work her handmade candle booth at a craft fair one fall when I noticed a guy helping his grandmother in the booth 2 down from ours. We made eye contact often but my feet wouldn’t make the trek over to say hello. SO, I wrote a short note of hello and my number on a piece of paper and made my booth partner take it over. The first thing he did after he received it is call me out for not bringing it over myself. Crush, Crushed…

YEARS later…

Befriending people comes really easy to me, guys especially. I like to think it’s because I grew up with two brothers and can relate a little better because of it. Probably also why I all too often put myself in the proverbial “friend zone”.

In my late 20’s/early 30’s I happened to have several great guy friends. We had dinner together, played video games (especially Rock Band and/or Guitar Hero), had long phone conversations and hung out weekly. It was amazing to be forming such incredible friendships but unfortunately my hopelessly romantic heart wouldn’t let me leave it there.

To the one…I went over to his house the day before he was about to be out of the country for a month to tell him (vocally) how I felt and a new roommate was moving in, so I lost my nerve and ended up writing an email a book long. His response was “he never saw me that way”.

To the other…I played the true friend for years, watching the ending, beginning, ending of his relationships until he hit a seemingly solo run. We chatted and had dinner often and I just knew we were working up to something. Losing my nerve became my middle name around this time and as lame as I feel, I ended up telling him how I felt in a very vague text that was never addressed.

It took a while but eventually, both of those crushes were crushed too.

 

Within the past 6 years…

 

  • I had a MAJOR crush on an up and coming musician that I got to meet one time. I had a lengthy letter, telling him how wonderful I thought he was, in my pocket but didn’t have the nerve (shocker) to give it to him. So, I mailed it to him, weeks later, with hope.
  • I started attending a writing group and met a guy that I was quite taken by, had the chance to smooch, chickened out and never got another chance. I typed him out the equivalent of a parody song and then put it in the computer’s recycle bin. That one at least made me laugh.
  • A guy I am a pretty big fan of wrote a book that only made me like him more. I wrote to him on almost every page of the book, hoping, somehow, he’d know it. Years later I met him in person and we are friends 🙂
  • When I get the nerve to verbally say something to a crush, I literally say something about how cute they are (like a school girl), turn and all but run away (like a school girl) and then end up writing (another letter I’ll never send), saying all the things I meant to say to them in person.

 

 

The reason this prompt was so perfect is because the one of the things I want to do the most in the world (convey thoughts and feeling via written word) isn’t really hard for me…at all…I do it all the time without even realizing it…I guess it just takes the right prompts to remind myself I do!

 

Maybe I’ll get better at the crush game, maybe I won’t but at least I know I’ll always have something to write about!

 

Thanks Eight Hundred Words! This was fun!

 

 

 

A May Day

It’s just before 8am on a Sunday morning and I’ve been tossing and turning for the better part of an hour, so I though I’d put the coffee and on and sit down to write for a bit.

My mind has been busy as of late and thus my anxiety through the roof.

A dear (and true) friend reminded me that writing was one of my tools and this morning I had to remind myself that I had this corner of the world to put some of it in.

My thoughts started in a really good place this morning, so I wasn’t upset to be awake sooner than usual on a day off, but weight quickly crept in and so I know it’s going to take more than coffee to get me going.

I had originally planned to apologize and speak to why posting has been so sporadic these past few months but then realized I am here to live a real life, with authenticity and transparency…so I won’t be doing either of those things…

 

What’s on my mind this morning is, in many ways, no different than most other days, the overcast sky and still of the morning are just amplifying it…the Heavy and the Light…

A lot has happened in my mothership market of Charlotte (and it’s surrounding areas) this week, even just this morning…the kind of things that make me want to gather the ones I love and hold them close…the kind of things that make me want to be held.

So much has been shared in our Heart Camp group this week and while we are there for whatever each of us may need, a lot of virtual hugs, love, light and peace for the hurting has been sent this week.

One of my best friends told me last night that she might be moving soon and even my wide eyed wanderer was saddened by that news…

But good things woke me this morning…something that was new a few weeks ago is hitting a comfort level that makes me smile, it’s my Grandmother’s 80th Birthday and she shares it with some pretty amazing people and as I type, the sun is coming out and lighting up my office.

 

It’s SO easy, almost too easy to let the Heavy things in life be our constant companions… This morning I am grateful for the trenches in which those that love us get in with us until we both find our way to something more hopeful.

We have to hold on to the Light, even if it’s a minute by minute refocusing…we have to fight for those moments that remind us that in all that, frankly, sucks in the world, we are the ones with the power to love, support and lift eachother out of the darkness.

Still do the things that bring you joy, even and perhaps especially in a Heavy season because we MUST continue to offset the balance…we have to.

 

Writing is one of the things that brings me joy and I am so glad I leaned into it this morning.

 

“Love is still the most powerful force on the planet” and I am sending it to you all today.

 

Happy Birthday Momaw Martha!

My Dream Trip ~ Ireland

For as long as I can remember, the emerald Isle of Ireland has called to me. From the rolling green hills, to the lively reels, the folk lore and magic to the welcome of the people, I have called Eire, my homeland.

It seemed only fitting that my first post in the Tookish Travels room of Wanderwood Lane, include THE trip of my dreams.

It was the Fall of 2013 and my two best gal pals and I were getting itchy to travel. At this point, between the 3 of us, we had probably taken a dozen weekend getaway trips together and we were looking for something a bit bigger.

I threw out my dream of Ireland, a dream my gals were very familiar with, and being that they both wanted to be with me when I finally saw my “homeland”, the decision was easy. We gave ourselves about 6 months to prepare and it was on!!!

At this point in time, I had only been on a plane a few times but handled the long flight very well!

We flew overnight, so when we landed in Dublin, we got our rental car and away we went (oh yeah, my friend Ashley drove) 😉

 

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There’s a longer story here but we made it all the way around the island with this Captain Ash

Our first few hours in Ireland were spent watching the scenery go by from the window of our Jetta BUT I wouldn’t have had it any other way. A few miles outside of the city and the country opens up beautifully…and I didn’t have to keep my eyes on the road, so they were plastered to the scenery!

 

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Northern Ireland

We pulled over for this view and it was the second, of many, times I was overcome with emotion. I was in the place I had loved from afar for so long and this view was one of the reasons why.

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Carrick A Rede rope bridge

Back then I wasn’t a big a fan of long walks as I am now, but the first thing we did when we were out of the car for longer than a minute was walk the mile and half down to cross this famous rope bridge…Now, at the time, my undiagnosed anxiety threw a million curves at me on any given day and I remember wanting this trip to catch some of them.

This was a test, for sure!

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The small island on the other side of the bridge! We made it!

Fun Fact: You can see a bit of Scotland from this side of the island! Pretty cool!

Once back across the bridge, we stopped in our first café and had what would become our late lunch of choice…the soup of the day, half a sandwich and a cup of tea.

From Carrick A Rede we drove on to one of the WONDERs of Ireland, Giant’s Causeway.

 

Awe had absolutely struck me at this point. Pulling up to this site is something you don’t even know you are doing. There is so much wide open, beautiful, countryside to see along the way, that sights like this become the icing on the cake!

 

We arrived in Portrush well after dinner time but found our B&B for the night without much trouble, had our first, SUPER tasty Guinness and fish/chips!! No photos, sadly, because it was so dark BUT we sat by the water and enjoyed gushing about our first day.

Our first B&B was Beluah Guest House and dinner was at 55 North

***thank goodness I still have my journal!!

The Irish breakfasts were easily a TOP favorite thing about the trip! My first morning meal was fresh fruit/juice/cheese followed by eggs/link sausage/bacon and coffee. It was delicious and filling (which would serve us very well budget wise, as we would find out).

 

 

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On the road again

 

One of the cool things about this trip was how loose our itinerary was. We planned first/last nights accommodations and a few major “must sees” and let the maps and books take us from there!

Day 2 we followed the signs, way off the path, but found a castle (this happens a lot in Ireland).

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Glenveagh Castle nestled in 10,000 acres of Glenveagh National Park

Before we took this detour, we were headed to Galway but honestly, I am so glad we got sidetracked. Touring a castle and it’s grounds with nothing but countryside around it is really something to behold.

Now, while our second night’s accomodations were a little difficult to come by, they were my favorite (and every single one of our hosts were fantastic).

Ross House, ran back then by Nicholas and Oriel was a lovely covnerted farmhouse in the town of Ross in Sligo. We were greeted warmly by Oriel who, even at 9pm, led us into the living room where Nicholas was sitting. She offered us the traditional tea and biscuits but also noted we hadn’t eaten supper so she made us a frozen pizza while Nicholas (in is tweed pants and wool sweater) told us stories. Minus the frozen pizza, this was the Ireland I was waiting for ❤

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Ross House Guest House

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I really hated to leave Nicholas and Oriel, so was very pleased when they invited us to attend church with them that morning. It’s the most memorable Easter Sunday I have had in a very long time. I, sadly, don’t have any photos of the old stone church but it was lovely!

 

As we did with Belfast, we popped in and out of Galway city. Ashley had heard about The Quays Bar, so we found it, had lunch and drove right back out! I’ll say this, once you get use to wide open, the cities can be overwhelming, especially if you don’t have much time there!

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On the way to Doolin, our stop for the night, we passed THE castle I had purchased a photo of from a friend years earlier…so we had to stop and capture it too!

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It’s not a good a photo as Heather’s but it’s the same vantage point 🙂

Doolin was probably my favorite B&B location of the trip. The Ashford Lodge was set slightly uphill and facing Galway Bay. The view from our guestroom was spectacular!

We drove just down the hill to Fitzgerald’s Pub and had another incredible meal of she crab claws, seafood pie (like shephard’s pie only seafood) and boxty!!! Delish!!

Day 4, after another amazing breakfast, we took an early morning ferry to one of the Aran Islands. Inis Orr, which included a look at the cliff face of the Cliffs of Moher.

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All the houses are near the port
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Each house get a plot of land elsewhere on the island to farm
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We opted for a carriage ride to get around a bit faster
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This stone had to be busted up to create the walls for the plots of land
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Cliffs of Moher

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Cheese!!!

From Doolin, we drove onto a ferry and over to Tralee, where we got to Maureen’s B&B in plenty of time to be warmly greeted by John and Maureen, freshen up and get directions to a place to have dinner.

 

At this point in the journey we get even sadder to leave so quickly because we realized that Irish hospitality really shines after you’ve finished breakfast and the host(s) come in a visit with you for a while. We just start getting to know then when we have to leave 😦

From Tralee we head and explore the Dingle Peninsula.

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Dingle is lovely! After walking a few blocks, getting some locally famous ice cream and shopping a bit, we drove around the rest of the area, which being seaside, is a beautiful as you can imagine.

I think I should tell you here that we were told all week that Ireland was having an unseasonably rainless week that week. This was one of the only days it was even overcast and that didn’t last long! We were blessed!

 

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We pulled in to Wayside the earliest we had made it anywhere, yet, at about 5:30 and were excited to get a lay of the land, freshen up and head to dinner.

Theresa was a wonderful hostess and came out the patio with tea, local maps and a few recommendations for a meal!

Wayside is situated just before the Gap of Dunloe and at it’s entry is a little square that had both a pub and a café. We got dressed up and enjoyed an evening with a slower pace and some live music!

The next morning, after a huge breakfast, we hiked one of the trails in the Gap, where it rained on us for the first time, and then followed the hike up with a BLT/soup and cup of tea at The Coffee Pot.

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Gap of Dunloe
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Worth the climb and the rain
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The Coffee Pot

We finished the day off with a drive around the Ring of Kerry, which sadly, we didn’t have time to get out and explore much of BUT it was another beautiful drive and this time we could see the surf and a few golf courses along the way!

 

Day 6 ended at Mount View B&B in Cobh, where we, again, pulled in early enough to freshen up and take a lovely walk to dinner, along the port.

I think this is the only dinner where we opted for a Malbec instead of more stout! As with ALL the rest of the cuisine, it was delicious.

 

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It’s Day 7 and after another, truly lovely, chat with our hostess Noureen, we headed for a morning of shopping in the city of Cork.

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Cork is a shoppers paradise. There are streets and alleys full of unique shops and stores.

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My first tattoo experience EVER

And by mid-day (and mid-trip), I had talked about getting a tattoo so much that my friends challenged me to go into the next parlor we passed or stop talking about it!!!

You see which one I chose and I do not regret it because I would have never done it otherwise and I now have 4, very special, tattoos!!

*****

Sadly, the rest of the trip is a bit of a whirlwind! I think it took us about 5 hours to get to our last accommodation, in Swordes, just above Dublin, and we got there just as our host family was pulling out for dinner. Luckily, we were still early enough to wander down the street and find one last pub to eat at. We sat along the wall and enjoyed one last pint and fish/chips before we fell into bed…

We had to be up earlier than they served breakfast the next morning but thankfully and kindly, Sharon had made us up a basket of goodies for the road!!

 

There is SO much I left out but the important stuff is all here and in my heart. So many times in my journal, I remark on the gratitude of finally getting to make it to Ireland and for being able to share it with my friends.

And I’ll tell you one more thing…not only are we still friends, great friends…we’ve been on many more adventures together! Stay tuned!!