I have been waiting for the words for this one to come to me for a while now and though I wish they didn’t require the catalyst that they did, here I am, literally burning the midnight oil to let them have their way, because I do not set them free nearly enough.
The catalyst…well, the only real importance of it is…Jenga!!!!
Quicksand is the best word and visual that I can give you for the way that past few months have gone for me. Now, I don’t have personal experience with said quicksand but I know that the more you move, the more you sink and as so many movies show us, you need someone’s help to get out of it.
I had SO MUCH hope and excitement going in to my 39th year of life. The first 9 months and 9 days of 2021 had been spent diving DEEP into the rising and falling of getting to know who I really am and how I show up (and here is where I encourage YOU, no matter what age you are, to spend some time doing that). In the days leading up to my birthday weekend plans, I just knew I was going to climb up the ladder to the high dive of life, take a beautiful swan dive and swim with great enthusiasm to the next horizon.
There really is no telling how long it took me to realize that instead of the pool of crystal clear water, I landed in jello. Without full awareness, I stopped getting up to workout in the mornings (which I’d done solidly for over a year), and it wasn’t a slow fade, I just stopped. The zeal I had for my morning routine was replaced with that almost non existent yet not unfamiliar desire just to sleep. I could not wait to sleep and I couldn’t figure out why because my dreams weren’t the dreams of a dreamer, they were something else entirely.
Parts of me that thought I was well past using the scale as a measure of myself, looked once more and found it had gone up. Up…How in the name of actually figuring it out after ALL THIS TIME could that have happened!?! Shame attached itself like a led balloon and I ordered Pizza Hut for the 15th time.
Candice, what the heck is going on? I’ve asked myself this everyday for weeks.
How can THIS be my reality when I thought I was good? Great even? It’s important for me to interject here that this isn’t about weight gain (at all) but it is a part of my story, so it will find itself mentioned here a time or two.
Well, the answer has taken a long time to come to me but I did smile when it came in the form of a phrase I’d almost forgotten but found me none the less…Heavy & Light…that is life. I am going to soar with eagles, seek to lift as many of you amazing souls up as I can and I will love every, single moment of it…And then, without knowing how or why, sometimes, I’ll fall to the ground, wounded, because that is what happens when you go all in, like I do so often.
This time, I landed in quicksand…and…it has taken two months and help in the form of Jenga (please look it up if you don’t understand the reference). Whew, heavy & light indeed.
Now, it really is almost midnight and I will tell you why I posted a photo of a candle…
Tonight, after the same song came up in conversation that had called to me a week ago, I decided to have a bit of a symbolic ceremony…because, even though I really do love learning, healing, forgiving, growing, repeating…the quicksand is exhausting.
Here is the song
My jenga moment was what I needed, as tear filled as it was, to burn the ships.
Fear, that, for sure, is the thing that has to go, along with a boat load of other things (sea what I did there ;))
This year has taught me SO MUCH! This heart of mine is stronger and bigger than it ever has been AND is also not immune to the ache of vulnerable living…I don’t think I want it to be…
I DO, however, want to step into every new day, rise up from the dust, say a prayer and turn the tide…because I KNOW, OH FRIEND do I know…that who I am is NEVER wasted.
A FULL life surrounds me…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, gentleness and self control are what I pray for, every morning and I get a few of those right because they are reflected in the ones who choose me…and the ones who don’t, well, as HeMan would say “Good Journey”.
As far as dancing upon the heartache? I’d prefer to dance with it, and it isn’t to be dramatic or a martyr…it’s simply because I know that it’s a part of life and OH, how I want to LIVE IT WELL!!!!
This is my flare in to the night, Dear Reader! I’m here and I am so glad you are too!