Like any other writer, I’m guessing, the muse often finds me at almost every place I am, except in front of the computer. I don’t mind it, in fact, I’m quite use to it by now 🙂
Most days I have to let the words and ideas come and go with a prayer that I will remember them the next time I am actually where I can write them down.
I don’t know what else to say here besides that up until very recently I was stuck in whatever habits I was stuck in. With writing that meant, as I mentioned above, having all the ideas and dreams, maybe a few notes jotted down somewhere but no real desire to formally put them down. Around the house, it meant thinking everything had a place but most of the time looking at chaos. At work it, it sadly meant, counting down the hours until another day was done.
It’s not been a terrible way to go about things, truthfully, but that didn’t mean something wasn’t lacking. I didn’t intend for the cliché of all new years to find me doing yet more unraveling of myself but I’m genuinely happy to say that it has!
A few months ago, I started adding things to my routine that had been absent for a really long time (morning prayer, meditation and reading my bible). It was a bit messy at first because I never for one second realized that I had even missed doing it and when I realized I had, I did that thing I do where I wish I could go backwards and change everything…We can’t my dears, I’ve tried at least a million times.
The more peace and joy I found there, the more I desired it other areas of my life…again…that’s not something that you can even know is missing UNTIL YOU REALLY FEEL IT AGAIN!!
Work, where I am more than I am anywhere else (as are all of us), is the first place I noticed a difference. I’d started being mindful of my day in those early morning moments and by the time I got started, my smile was so wide one might have thought I was up to something. All of those good moments birthed even more good moments and now, after 9 1/2 years, I have more joy and enthusiasm than I started my career with…WIN…and that also means completely relishing my days off.
Relationships…I’ve got the most incredible people in my life, I sincerely do and while I know they would disagree with me here, I have to say that they have lifted and carried me through most of this life with an uneven stack against them. I’ve tried, they know and the Lord knows I’ve tried but I’ve needed so much help along the way. I’ve come to realize that the people we are given are A GIFT more in the past few months than in my 38 years combined. When you really start to pay attention to what you put in to a relationship MORE than what you get out of it, you begin to realize that with the people meant to be your people, it becomes fellowship, something that you want to participate in more and more and that there is no end to the grace, mercy, comfort, refinement, forgiveness, support and love…invaluable, dear ones, INVALUABLE.
Home…As a long time wanderer, I’ve been the poster child for “home is where the heart is”. I’ve fallen in love with, almost, every destination I’ve ever been to and found years of true comfort in the homes of friends and family along the way. I’ve been in my little hobbit hole for 2.5 years and I’ve put in a lot of mental work to be “ok” here and while more days than not, it’s true, if you could have seen it along the way you may have told yourself it didn’t look like I cared about it at all. Haha, I know, I am being too hard on myself again but it’s true. In all my good intentions to keep a home, I ended up, most days, with a big ole pile of chaos. A few weeks ago, I was ready to take some steps, years in the making…feeling worthy enough to spend some money on myself and make some improvements around the house. My parents (aka the head of my fellowship and biggest support system) came to my rescue and helped me put the first parts of my plan into motion. It’s been four days since the new tv stand went up in my clutter free living room, I can actually see the cabinet space it turns out I did have in the kitchen and the 4 small changes I made in the bathroom make it seem like its actually smiling at me…In those four days I’ve realized that there is plenty of home where my heart is but there hasn’t been much heart where my home is…I am suppose to care about where I am at while I am there and I am FINALLY DOING IT!!!!!!
Now…the real reason for this post…
It’s my day off and I have been resting in between chores, I promise, but while I was out pulling in my trash and recycling bins earlier today, something quotable came to mind and it’s taken an entire blogpost to get to it (SO ME) 😉
I like to be tough (or lazy depending on your interpretation) and pull both bins in at the same time. I hopped across the ditch, bins in tow, and that made me laugh at myself a)because that takes zero effort these days and b)I knew that my face matched my shirt which read “Happy Camper”.
I looked down at my shirt and on to all the other things to see down to my feet and after a few self critical minuets, I went back to FEELING the smile on my face and thought
“Of all the things I have thought of, dreamed of and wanted to be, MYSELF, is becoming my favorite”
That’ll waiver at times, I’m sure…but today it’s the REALEST of things and I am basking in it!!
MUCH LOVE Y’ALL
LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEE this!!! As always, your true transparency is a breath of fresh air, truly a wonderful read!!! BIG HUGS to you!!!
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Thank you for reading Darby!! Big hugs back to you!!