What can I do, right now, in this extremely contemplative moment (besides still be drinking coffee at noon)!?
WRITE…ok, cool, I know a place 😉
Five days in to year 37, on one of the MOST heavy/light weeks of the year and lessons are already pouring in…it was bound to happen, right!?
I started the week, and this journal, on Monday, my birthday and was SUPER excited to do it. Not only was my BIG goal for the year to recognize and appreciate love in all of it’s forms BUT one of my daily goals was to make sure I say “I Love You” and I was READY. Ready to feel it and to say and I thought it was going to be easy…I was wrong.
Monday was incredible…I literally floated ALL day, basking in the reciprocal flow of LOVE as so many reached out to celebrate my life and remind me why it matters. That day, it was very easy to start my journal and fill the page with all the ways love showed up.
Tuesday was easy too. It was World Suicide Prevention Day, a day that has come to mean a great deal to me and though has the potential to be crippling, through my incredible community of fellow light chasers and hope seekers, I was able to find love around every corner I turned.
Wednesday met me with a moody scene and brick wall. Being a part of the mental health community often means that good news/unpleasant news travel in the same caravan, even though we hope, wish and fight for it not to be true. The heavy news of another death by suicide was all I could read. I did not know the person but in this community, the impact is no less because of that fact and I am grateful I can FEEL right alongside my tribe on this…That day, I did not trip and fall over love…I had to read the words of my friends and let the love I have for them and the love they have for their friends well up in me and move me. I also had to get out of the space I do my best thinking in (home) and search for signs of love showing up, outside and off the internet. It worked, if only for a few hours…I sat and watched friends interact with each other, a husband playing for the crowd but singing directly to his wife, a tiny dog wanting nothing more than to sit in the lap of her person and even a few hugs from people who recognized me. I was able to write by the end of that night and I was grateful!
Thursday, in spite of my best efforts, felt like what I imagine climbing a very high mountain would be…the kind of feeling where you can’t take a full inhale because the oxygen just isn’t there. I started the day off in gratitude and with prayer but could not find that feeling I was looking for…Worry was heavy on my mind. The more familiar or (in tune) I get, the more I feel and most of the time that isn’t a bad thing but on days when I can’t get my own head above the water, I know I am going to re-learn how to tread that water. In my efforts, I found a few smiles, a few laughs and a few hugs, all which had the warmth of love but it didn’t feel real enough to put in the journal. I felt utterly spent, at day 4…what the hell am I going to do with this journal now?
Friday. As guilt ridden as I get with taking a day off (especially, when a trip isn’t involved), I knew I needed it today. When I am not asleep, I am thinking…and thinking…and thinking. It’s so hard for me to wrap my head around such a, seemingly, easy thing to do BEING so difficult sometimes. I met my daily goal of saying “I Love You” BUT my quest to witness how it shows up is DIRECTLY connected to where my head/heartspace is. If I am feeling disconnected, things like friendship/kinship/love feel very far away. I can’t feel/see what I am not open to. How in this world can a lover like me, continuously shut herself out/down!?
This is my headspace, even as I type now…and I don’t have an answer but the reminder that I don’t have to is refreshing. There will be days when non of us get it right (or wrong) and there are days when there isn’t a right/wrong…there is just, IS. I am known for saying “I am here for it all” because I know that even in the “???” moments, there is room to grow and I AM here for it.
Showing up is what it is all about…
We’ll get outside for sunsets, for exercise, for hobbies, and friends. We’ll come back inside to rest, because we’ve learned we need to rest.
We’ll keep showing up. We’ll keep checking in. We’ll keep saying, “I love you.” We’ll keep being honest. We’ll keep asking questions. We’ll keep listening. We’ll keep learning. We’ll keep seeing people. We’ll keep reminding people they are priceless. We’ll keep reminding people that life is worth living.
We’ll believe the air in our lungs might also be a gift. We’ll live as long as we possibly can, finding and sharing every good thing. We’ll be surprised along the way, by love and joy and wonder, by people, and by things that feel true.
We’ll make today better.
You make today better.
My friend (and one of my all time favorite, vulnerable voices and hope chasers), Jamie Tworkowski knows all about those headspace moments and somehow found the words I needed.
Check the full blog out here…
Let’s promise to keep saying “I Love You” and to keep showing up for each other AND ourselves!!