Return to Innocence

As soon as I started thinking about this post, it had an accompanying track that played in my head throughout it’s forming into words.

The road I grew up on, Thompson Rd, was out in the country and contained a lot of extended family. A few of our cousins lived at the end of the road and were our first friends. It was, very thankfully for me, an age where there wasn’t so much technology to be tethered to and we spent lots of time walking in the fields/woods between our houses.

Karen, the one I’ve always been closest to, and I bonded over so many things in those formative years. We turned fallen trees into castles, the barn loft into a court room, old metal scraps into more friends, tissue paper into skin grafts for the dolls that needed plastic surgery and ruled a mermaid empire every time we swam in the pool.

The free flow of play came easily to us, as did the laughter and with all the ‘heal your inner child’ talk that is trending now, I have to wonder if calling upon those effortless memories is part of it…

A few weeks ago, after a loooooooooooong and very draining few years of attempting to get my workout/physical care routine back on track, I surrendered to the TRUTH that although I’ve spent a great deal of the past decade moving toward whole self healing, my physical body was still so conditioned to be in protection mode, that very few of the efforts I have made are adding up to anything lasting. Burnout was at an all time high, which is always tough for me to admit because I have a really great life, I do!

How am I honoring that great life if I am not communicating to my body that it’s safe to thrive and actually enjoy it though?

Somatic exercises were brought to my attention via a friend a few years ago, who knowing my mind/body background asked if I knew anything about them. I didn’t and was admittedly too overwhelmed at the thought of learning something new to look into it a the time…and yet, with my teary eyed head in my hands, I’ve never forgotten that they asked me about it.

I didn’t spend a lot of time searching for a place to explore this. With a quick key word search, I was led to an Instagram account that I followed for a while, to make sure the message was consistent and then, purchased their 30day program.

In the days that followed that choice, I had to get very honest with myself about the amount of money I have spent/do spend in the pursuit of this form of wellness and SEE where the money is being wasted as I know there is deep correlation in it. Subscriptions were canceled, accounts un-followed and apps deleted.

My first real exhale in months came on Day 1 of the program with the permission to do nothing strenuous or ambitious during the duration of the course. It was made clear that we would be navigating neuroplasty and creating new messages (neural pathways) in my brain and DID NOT need to mix the messages. Knowing just how long I’ve been mixing the messages, surrender to that instruction was easy.

I am almost two weeks into the course and have been keeping notes about what each session reveals to me (to be shared at another time). What I will share at this moment though, is that I’ve been, without a doubt, holding on way too tightly for way too long. This message of ‘letting go’ that I have been receiving these past few years is meant within my physical body also and I am, thankfully, finally on that journey.

Within that same time frame, I purchased a camera. No, I didn’t need it, I have about 6 cameras. This one though, has taken everything back to the basics of what a camera was like when I was a kid. I didn’t have access to anything fancy. The cameras I used were disposable, point & shoots and when the camera was full, I dropped it off at the store for development.

My favorite thing about those, looking back, was how impossible it was to overthink what you were photographing because you couldn’t see/critique it. You captured memories. I captured memories. It was plain and simple, almost effortless.

The advertising appeal of the CampSnap I purchased is that it takes ‘vintage photos’ and I had to laugh out loud at that. We had to go so far as to have cameras on our phones (with three lenses) just to go all the way back to the simplicity of capturing a memory. Yes, yes I had to have one 🙂

It is digital, so there won’t be any need to take it to the store to print out anything. I can look at the photos when I plug the camera up but I haven’t done that yet. I am being selective about what I take and reminding myself that I have an eye for capturing memories.

In both of the above mentioned invitations (and many I didn’t share), what I know will create that deep healing and lasting state of being, is a return to myself.

So, in this moment, I am teenage Candice, running up the stairs of Karen’s house, to the end of the hallway where her room is and am greeted by a warm embrace and sounds of a familiar tune playing…

Love
Devotion
Feeling
Emotion

Don’t be afraid to be weak
Don’t be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence

The return to innocence

And if you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide
Just believe in destiny

Don’t care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don’t give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence

That’s return to innocence

It’s Return to Innocence by Enigma in case anyone needed a hint 😉

Many happy returns,

Candice 🩷