Who’s that girl?

Maybe it was all the brainstorming and shopping for that costume yesterday, maybe it was watching Night School tonight at movie night, or maybe was Alanis singing to me on the drive home but I am still stuck in 90’s brain…and not just 90’s brain, my 90’s brain.

Among all the things it made me think of, it had me wondering…why?

Why, in movies/books/real life are we always looking back to the things we would change about that time in our lives?

I am guilty of it too, don’t get me wrong. There are a million things I would tell 15/16 year old Candice that might save her a lot of (often self inflicted) heartbreak but tonight I left myself drift to the times when I felt truly invincible…

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It was sophomore year and my first year playing HS soccer. For a first year, all female team, we were good and I loved every minute of “us”. The blend of physicality and camaraderie were second to none and the only thing better than sharing the bus to matches with those ladies, was sharing the field.

I felt like my uniform was my armor and that I could anything when I laced up those cleats. Ok, that’s not 100% accurate. Looking back I took a lot of anxiety and self consciousness on to that field with me but it quickly melted as the match progressed.

It’s the only time in my life I’ve enjoyed running and probably the only setting in which I exhibited any Gryffindor “I can do anything, go-get-em” spirit.

That soccer girl version of me was pretty damn awesome, especially that year and I miss her!

**

My junior and senior year, I followed my passion to the stage and took drama both years. As intimidated as I was by all the talent around me, I didn’t let it stop me from learning all that I could do. Memorizing lines can be daunting but imagining a set when there was none was the easiest thing in the world and I enjoyed those classes more than most of my others combined.

Once again, finding camaraderie fed my soul and brought out the best in me. I didn’t get any lead roles but I felt the warmth of the stage lights, the applause of the crowd and took a bow. I was exhilarated every time I got to step into a character’s life and there isn’t a play or movie that I see today that I don’t imagine myself a character in.

That theatre girl gives me so much joy and I am glad she still makes an appearance.

 

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circa 2000

Love…in high school, it’s most definitely a crazy little thing.

Sophomore year brought with it a great little love. Anyone reading who remembers that time knows that I ADORED him and sharing that time with someone who cared as much as he did was a really great way to spend most of that year.

But we were young, so young and on a week long club field trip he decided to see someone else. If I am honest, it was my first true heartbreak. Oh, as I mentioned I am dramatic, so I thought it had already happened, but I really did love that guy.

What amazes me about that girl is that she dried her tears and said to herself “this isn’t worth being sad about anymore, we lived, we loved and if it’s time to move on, it is”. The next day at school, she put a flowy dress (it was a game day after all), a huge smile and flashed that beautiful smile at everyone she crossed paths with that day, including the new couple.

For a day, hopefully more since, that girl determined her worth and let it shine.

I think that’s the girl I miss the most ❤

**

 There are probably a ton of other examples of times I surprised myself and I really hope there are but those are the few that stick out to me, at least at the moment, because…

One of my dearest friends, to date, shared that soccer field with me and knowing we will carry that camaraderie for the rest of our lives lets me know that she will remind me that soccer girl is still in me somewhere, waiting to take the field again and for that I am grateful.

Theatre helped me find a home for my creativity/imagination (I still run monologues for myself) and also taught me that you don’t need a “someone” to have a hand to hold, a shoulder to support you or a embrace to hold you. It’s one of the places my heart grew a size and for that I am grateful.

The first heartbreak remains dear to me and I to him. Just because it never led us back to each other, doesn’t mean we can’t adore what we had and wish each other well, which I know that we do. In a strange way, it also helped me better navigate situations in my adulthood when I haven’t ended up with the one I adored. Just because romantic love isn’t the ending doesn’t lessen the adoration (I my case) and for that I am grateful.

 

Since I’m a fan of broody music, I’ll leave you with the lyrics to this Alanis Morissette song.

Thank You

How ’bout getting off of these antibiotics
How ’bout stopping eating when I’m full up
How ’bout them transparent dangling carrots
How ’bout that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India, thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty, thank you consequence
Thank you, thank you, silence

How ’bout me not blaming you for everything
How ’bout me enjoying the moment for once
How ’bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How ’bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India, thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty, thank you consequence
Thank you, thank you, silence

The moment I let go of it
Was the moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down

How ’bout no longer being masochistic
How ’bout remembering your divinity
How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How ’bout not equating death with stopping
Thank you India, thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness, thank you clarity
Thank you, thank you, silence

 

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