I had about 350 words written and then decided to chuck them…
There is something I wanted to say but when I read it back to myself, it felt best left for a journal entry…so here’s this instead.
A few weeks ago, I talked about crushes. They have held the largest place in my romantic life because I’ve been historically bad (for lack of a better word) at it. In truth there are a few reasons why I’ve, more years than not, chosen singlehood.
The years of therapy I have been through are not a secret and with them came a lot of healing…healing that needed to happen to make me the kind of whole that can care and be cared for. It hasn’t been easy but has been necessary.
Dreaming is something I have done all my life. Through therapy I have learned that my dreams are representations of things that I am continuing to heal from and let go of.
Last night I dreamt of an old flame, one who returns to me often, and in that dream I was uneasy because NEW was on the horizon and I didn’t want to mess it up. When I woke up, I realized I didn’t need to dream about the old flame anymore and somewhere deep down, I knew I wouldn’t.
One of my goals for this year was to simply feel worthy enough to say “yes” to a date and I have done that, which I am SO proud of…even in the silence and uncertainty that sometimes follows.
We’ve been conditioned to believe that when something doesn’t go the way we thought we wanted (especially in love), it is failure…but what if it’s so much more!?
For the past 5 years, I have been fighting really hard for myself, though all too often TOO hard on myself…There are SO many areas where I am bold/confident and unshakable…but not in love…
However, ALSO, in past 5 years, I have become increasingly fascinated by uniqueness, mine in particular. It’s something I have, almost, come to see as a badge of honor.
Imagine my surprise to just discover, recently, that, that uniqueness will without a doubt translate into dating. Why I thought every area in my life had it’s own drum beat but love, seriously, blows my mind…I am audibly laughing right now…the guilt I have put myself through for feeling like I need “idiot’s guide to dating” could form a mountain.
Saying “yes” to a date started a GIANT mental/emotional domino affect that is just now making sense but was ABSOLUTELY necessary AND I am oh SO grateful for it.
I am not “bad” at dating, I am just “ME” at dating…and it’s looked like a desert waste land for so long, because, friends, I was on journey…a journey I required…and now a journey that’s ready for an oasis or two 😉
And guess what, it can look as unique as it wants to because I wasn’t meant for a societal love story…and as of right now, I no longer expect it 🙂